Running and new revelations

"Running has an uncanny ability to mellow the soul, to take the edge off hard feelings, and put things back into healthy perspective." Dean Karnazes, Run!.

Well, it is done! Ladies Weekend 2011 is complete! The Royal Family 5K and the Princess 1/2 Marathon have been conquered and the medals awarded! 12 weeks of training culminated in crossing the 5K finish line with my mom and the 1/2 marathon finish line hand-in-hand with my brother. During both events, I was given eyes to see things differently.

Over the past few months, God has been showing me the idols in my life through the study of Isaiah. He has shown me how tall and wide the wall is that I have built around my heart. This is my biggest and most difficult idol to topple. It has been reinforced over the years with the best weapons that I could muster-pride, offense, selfishness, control, regret. It has provided the illusion of security for years, ever since I was a young girl, in fact. I can't remember when construction began, and I'm not sure if it even matters anymore. It is there and I have learned over the past few years what a barrier it is to living life fully for my Lord. It is so hard to receive or share His love with others when your heart is fully guarded. He revealed this wall to me about 5 years ago. But it is just recently that He is gently showing me that it is time for the blocks to come down. How long will it take? How many are there? I don't know. I know that it must be done though. So I seek His face and His love because I am scared of what lies behind that wall. Who is that girl behind there and how will she survive without that wall of protection? Obviously, I have more questions than answers at this time. But in God's mercy, He has helped me take down a few blocks. They had wiggled loose over the past few months, but were removed a few days after returning from Disney. God has shown me I have harbored jealousy toward my brother over the years. He is so amazing and always has been. He always made excellent grades in school with what seemed to be little effort. He was a natural at any sport he tried. He has a beautiful wife and 2 wonderful children and a career that he loves. On the outside, he looks perfect. I know that he is not. None of us are, but that is the image that I had in my crazy mind. But "What about me??" my heart would cry.

What about me? When I look at my life now, I know that I am exactly where I am suppose to be, doing exactly what God has planned for me to do. Contentment is a powerful thing. And in that, God has given me a heart that is ready to deal with the junk of the past. It is time to stop running from the demons that haunt me and start standing firm in the Lord, allowing Him to battle the thoughts and feelings that creep up so very slowly and deceptively in my heart and mind. At mile 4 of a 5 mile run last Wednesday, I felt the Holy Spirit lead me to turn off my ipod and let all the yuck of wrong thinking and wrong attitudes about my brother out. Repentance is a beautiful thing at the feet of the Lord. He listened quietly, and then comforted me gently with His loving arms. A wave of peace rushed over the wall around my heart and I knew it was done. Some bricks had fallen, and for that I am so very grateful. There is more work to do, but this is a start.

My brother is a wonderful man. That's weird to say:) But he is. As I raise my own children, God has shown me that the love we received growing up was equal, but different. The gifts we have been given are equal, but different. We are both wonderfully and perfectly made, but still very different. The race that God has set before each of us is challenging, yet very different. I am sure most people figure all this out at an early age, but for some reason, I am a little behind. All that said-as I chugged along with my sweet brother, who very easily could have left me in the dust along the 13.1 miles that we covered, I realized how very much I love him and that I wouldn't change one thing about him or myself. We are who we are suppose to be, doing just what we are suppose to do.

The races God places in the lives of His children are very different. They may involve cancer, death, loss, financial challenges, divorce, challenges w/ kids, caring for elderly parents, etc. Sometimes you run feeling alone and tired. But often times, if you look around, you will notice that you are not alone. Though you are tired and weary, God's mighty right hand is there to hold you and encourage you as you run. And once in a great while, you will have the opportunity to cross the finish line hand-in-hand with someone that you love dearly. What an indescribable joy that is!

So in 13.1 miles, my soul has been mellowed, the hard feelings have gone, and my perspective toward my brother is healthy. What lies ahead in these next few weeks as I embark upon training for a marathon?? Only God knows. He alone is sovereign and His plans are perfect, so let's keep running!! Giddy up!!

New Surroundings

It has been a long time since my last post. So much has happened. We have relocated across the country (feels like the other side of the world) to the state of Oregon. While the surroundings are beautiful on a sunny day, you have to peer a little deeper to see that same beauty on the gray, drizzly days that dominate the weeks and months. It has taken a few months to adjust, but God has been faithful to give me new eyes to see all that surrounds me in a different and more wonderful way. Still...I love me some sunshine!

The area we live in is perfect for running (minus the rain). The roads are mostly quiet and lined with beautiful evergreens and moss (which grows on everything). The first 4 months here brought much adjustment as everything was so new! The last 3 months have been filled with contentment and quiet. I'm thankful that the external storm of the past 2 years has calmed.

Running fills my weeks. It provides time with my Lord and a place to just work out all that He continues to teach me about Himself. While studying the Book of Isaiah at BSF, I have been training for a 1/2 marathon which I will run at the end of the month. Both have been challenging! My love is training for a marathon which he hopes I will run with him. Still praying about that one. It is good to be on the same page with him in so many areas of our marriage, running being one of them. It has helped to provide balance and perspective to so much of what we experience as a couple and a family. Its even cooler to see how God has answered so many of our prayers, spoken and unspoken, as He brought us to this new chapter in our lives. It is with great anticipation that I continue to run after Him so as not to miss one thing He has planned for us and for the glory of His kingdom. What a journey it will be!

It's not green!

I am so excited! I couldn't afford to go and have my hair colored and highlighted when I had it cut this week, so I took a risk and did it myself! Actually, Michael helped me a little. It is a little darker than what I am use to, and I miss my multicolor highlights and low lights, but I do not miss the gray! Mostly, I am so thankful that it did not turn out green or orange:)

I discovered though that I have a little bit of vanity when it comes to my hair. I suppose I have always known this, but having to face the fact that I couldn't "go and have my hair done" was a tough one for me. It was one of my indulgences, a quiet and peaceful time to be pampered. Mind you- I could care less about my nails, makeup, jewelry, and even clothes. I am pretty simple and low budget when it comes to those areas of life. But my hair...only the best will do. Silly, I know. So while this may seem like a trivial post to some- it is a big step for me. Only one question remains...will I go back to the salon to have my color done, or will I stick with the $8 box solution from Target? To be continued......

Song of my heart

This morning my heart is singing praises to my Lord Jesus. Here are the lyrics that it sings- http://www.christianlyricsonline.com/artists/third-day/king-of-glory.html. Click and listen.

I have no where else to turn but to Him during this (or an any) season of life. The waiting for a job for Michael is at times, down right painful-physically, emotionally, spiritually. I am thankful that I have ben blessed to live in this great Nation, but at times I think that living here can be a bit of a curse. Our culture is driven by the right here and right now mentality. We find it so very hard to wait for anything- food, clothes, music, entertainment, results-you name it. What we want, we get, and frankly, we think that we deserve it.

Through the past few weeks in Bible Study we have been walking with Jesus to the Cross, and this week, beyond. God's Word has really penetrated my heart with a deeper knowledge that I deserve nothing but death. But God, in His infinite mercy and grace, extends His love to me through His Son, Jesus. If there was another way for man's sin debt to be paid, God would have come up with that plan, but there was no other way. Only His perfect, Holy Son could be the Passover Lamb. It was for that reason that Jesus endured the Cross, the most painful and humiliating form of punishment. He removed His royal garments to be clothed in nothing but the sins of all this world, past, present, and future; so that those that were given to Him and believe in Him would be free from that sin forever! So while my family endures the waiting of God's provision of a job, a new home, new schools, a new place to show His love to others, I can only praise my Lord for what He has done for me and for all who believe that He alone is The King, God's Son! May His Name be lifted high!!

On the come back and entering new territory

This week I have had a great turn around. I am feeling so much better! I have entered the land of the living again. So good to not just be sitting on the sofa all day. I am thankful for the quick healing I have experienced. Modern medicine is simply amazing. We have been richly blessed during this time, and I praise God for His love and provision.

Also, I have had the unique opportunity to guide Madeline through a wonderful weekend filled with scripture and Truth of what God has in store for her over the next number of years. She is no longer my little girl anymore. She is blossoming into a young lady, and while my heart is saddened, I am also very excited to see her become all that God has created her to be. As we journeyed through the Passport2Purity series, she was able to see how God has only the best in store for her. But to achieve that, she has a responsibility to put Him first in everything. Part of me struggled with asking her to take a stand and be very different from what the world wants/expects for young people (even within Christian circles), especially when I did not walk that road myself. But I know that through the power of the Holy Spirit that dwells within her, she will be able to live in this world, but not be of the world. I know He will be able to carry her through the challenges of the teen years- friends, peer pressure, boys, figuring out who she is both inside and out. I also trust that God will provide Michael and I with the necessary wisdom and guidance to help her. I just pray that she will know that Mike and I will always be her biggest fans and that we will be there every step of the way during this journey.

Time...

Funny thing about time, it passes so very slowly when you are doing nothing. I know that is stating the obvious, but why is that? Most days are a blur, in fact, I would even say most years have been a blur since having children. But sitting on the sofa, day in and day out, has become so very tedious. I thought I was feeling well on Sunday/Monday, so of course I was up a bit more doing what seemed to be small tasks. Small tasks are not so small when you have just had an organ removed, even with less invasive surgery. An organ gone, is just that, an organ gone. How can a body even know what to do with that? I mean, the thing has been there for 39 years and then in 2 hours- poof!- it's gone. I am not mourning the loss of my uterus. I am, however, simply bored out of my mind. I have watched way too much Travel Channel and DVDs. I am a tad frustrated that I can not even take a shower without being winded and totally exhausted. How did I ever run a half marathon?? Mind boggling... So though I am thankful to not have to do laundry and grocery shop or fix meals or make beds, etc. (because my amazing husband is doing the job of 2 right now), I am also sad that I can not do these little tasks that I so often loath doing. Crazy, huh? So until I can walk across the house w/o being winded, I will just have to continue to watch the minutes tick oh so very slowly by.....tick....tick....tick.

Healing

Post surgery update. I have 4 one inch incisions on my abdomen and some very sore tummy muscles. I am missing a once integral part of my body, but am thankful that it is gone. I was so blessed to have such an amazing medical team at Central Baptist Hospital. Dr. Hagar, as well as all of the other docs and nurses were just wonderful, caring, informative, kind and attentive. The healing has begun. My dear husband has helped immensely! Since my mom was not able to make it, Mike has had the unique opportunity to do all the things my mom usually does when she would come to help, whether it was post baby or post surgery. God has surrounded our family with some pretty amazing people who are helping with meals and entertaining the kids. Truly, we are blessed and our cup runneth over!