Running and new revelations

"Running has an uncanny ability to mellow the soul, to take the edge off hard feelings, and put things back into healthy perspective." Dean Karnazes, Run!.

Well, it is done! Ladies Weekend 2011 is complete! The Royal Family 5K and the Princess 1/2 Marathon have been conquered and the medals awarded! 12 weeks of training culminated in crossing the 5K finish line with my mom and the 1/2 marathon finish line hand-in-hand with my brother. During both events, I was given eyes to see things differently.

Over the past few months, God has been showing me the idols in my life through the study of Isaiah. He has shown me how tall and wide the wall is that I have built around my heart. This is my biggest and most difficult idol to topple. It has been reinforced over the years with the best weapons that I could muster-pride, offense, selfishness, control, regret. It has provided the illusion of security for years, ever since I was a young girl, in fact. I can't remember when construction began, and I'm not sure if it even matters anymore. It is there and I have learned over the past few years what a barrier it is to living life fully for my Lord. It is so hard to receive or share His love with others when your heart is fully guarded. He revealed this wall to me about 5 years ago. But it is just recently that He is gently showing me that it is time for the blocks to come down. How long will it take? How many are there? I don't know. I know that it must be done though. So I seek His face and His love because I am scared of what lies behind that wall. Who is that girl behind there and how will she survive without that wall of protection? Obviously, I have more questions than answers at this time. But in God's mercy, He has helped me take down a few blocks. They had wiggled loose over the past few months, but were removed a few days after returning from Disney. God has shown me I have harbored jealousy toward my brother over the years. He is so amazing and always has been. He always made excellent grades in school with what seemed to be little effort. He was a natural at any sport he tried. He has a beautiful wife and 2 wonderful children and a career that he loves. On the outside, he looks perfect. I know that he is not. None of us are, but that is the image that I had in my crazy mind. But "What about me??" my heart would cry.

What about me? When I look at my life now, I know that I am exactly where I am suppose to be, doing exactly what God has planned for me to do. Contentment is a powerful thing. And in that, God has given me a heart that is ready to deal with the junk of the past. It is time to stop running from the demons that haunt me and start standing firm in the Lord, allowing Him to battle the thoughts and feelings that creep up so very slowly and deceptively in my heart and mind. At mile 4 of a 5 mile run last Wednesday, I felt the Holy Spirit lead me to turn off my ipod and let all the yuck of wrong thinking and wrong attitudes about my brother out. Repentance is a beautiful thing at the feet of the Lord. He listened quietly, and then comforted me gently with His loving arms. A wave of peace rushed over the wall around my heart and I knew it was done. Some bricks had fallen, and for that I am so very grateful. There is more work to do, but this is a start.

My brother is a wonderful man. That's weird to say:) But he is. As I raise my own children, God has shown me that the love we received growing up was equal, but different. The gifts we have been given are equal, but different. We are both wonderfully and perfectly made, but still very different. The race that God has set before each of us is challenging, yet very different. I am sure most people figure all this out at an early age, but for some reason, I am a little behind. All that said-as I chugged along with my sweet brother, who very easily could have left me in the dust along the 13.1 miles that we covered, I realized how very much I love him and that I wouldn't change one thing about him or myself. We are who we are suppose to be, doing just what we are suppose to do.

The races God places in the lives of His children are very different. They may involve cancer, death, loss, financial challenges, divorce, challenges w/ kids, caring for elderly parents, etc. Sometimes you run feeling alone and tired. But often times, if you look around, you will notice that you are not alone. Though you are tired and weary, God's mighty right hand is there to hold you and encourage you as you run. And once in a great while, you will have the opportunity to cross the finish line hand-in-hand with someone that you love dearly. What an indescribable joy that is!

So in 13.1 miles, my soul has been mellowed, the hard feelings have gone, and my perspective toward my brother is healthy. What lies ahead in these next few weeks as I embark upon training for a marathon?? Only God knows. He alone is sovereign and His plans are perfect, so let's keep running!! Giddy up!!